


Devotion

by roryonice



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Ballet, Chaptered, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Photography, Smut, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 11:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roryonice/pseuds/roryonice
Summary: Dan is a ballerina who’s practicing for an audition at Julliard, but he’s afraid of performing in front of other people. He meets Phil, who’s gathering photos for his art portfolio, and Phil helps Dan come out of his shell in an interesting way.





	1. Chapter One

Dan sat alone in an abandoned dance studio in uptown New York City lacing up his ballet shoes and running his routine through his head for the millionth time. His audition at Julliard was only a month and a half away, and it was coming at him like a bullet. Dan had always dreamed of becoming a professional ballerina, and getting an education at Julliard would give him the biggest shot at achieving that dream that he could possibly get.

Not wanting to practice his routine in the public eye, Dan took over an abandoned dance studio as his practice room. When Dan had found it, it was dingy and trashed, but Dan knew that it had potential to be perfect for him. He did his best to clean off the mirrors lining one of the walls, though they remained cracked and missing pieces here and there because no matter how hard you scrub it, a cracked mirror will remain cracked. Dan swept rubble from the floors and revealed a scuffed yet suitable wooden floor for dancing. He brought in a couple battery powered lanterns that he had stolen from his dad’s camping supplies for light, and his little studio was more than enough to aid Dan in his relentless practicing.

If Dan were able, he would spend his entire day every day dancing and perfecting his routine, but unfortunately he had to make money to live and eat, so he worked at a supermarket and shared an apartment with his roommate whom he rarely saw. Dan only really visited his apartment to sleep and sometimes eat dinner because he spent most of his spare time in his abandoned dance studio. Dan figured that his roommate probably didn’t mind, but he wasn’t around to find out if that was the truth or not.

After lacing up his shoes, Dan stretched liberally so that he could maintain his flexibility. Dan always spent a lot of time stretching and doing little warm-up exercises to make sure that he didn’t pull or strain any of his muscles. Dan couldn’t afford to pull a muscle, especially now that he was so close to his audition date.

Once he was properly stretched and warmed up, Dan took his phone from its place on the floor and pulled up the song that he used for his routine. He pressed play on Claude Debussy’s Suite Bergamasque: III. Clair de Lune. Andante Très Expressif and hurried to get into third position. The song began, and Dan took in a breath and let himself get lost in the music and his dance. It was slow at the beginning and picked up more towards the middle and Dan loved the song.

While he was dancing, he felt weightless. He was watching himself in the mirror, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what he was seeing. Everything felt perfect and smooth and exactly how Dan had intended when he wrote his routine. It took Dan several days to write his routine, and he hardly did anything but write for the period of time that it took him. He only slept when his body couldn’t stay awake any longer, and he hardly even remembered to take time to eat. When he had finished, Dan was the most proud of himself that he had ever been. He had created a masterpiece, and he desperately wanted to share it with the world. He couldn’t share it with the world, at least not yet, for two reasons.

Dan’s first problem with wanting to show the world his masterpiece was that nobody actually knew who he was. Dan knew that he was talented and skilled, but nobody else did. Well, that’s not completely true. His parents knew that he was a good dancer and so did his old ballet instructor, but that was about it. There weren’t any big directors that knew he existed, and there weren’t any viewers that cared to watch his piece. It’s kind of hard to perform for the world when nobody is there to watch you.

His second problem was that he was terrified to physically perform his piece. He loved the idea of performing in front of millions of people and having them give him standing ovations and cry at how beautiful his dancing was, but if he were to actually get on stage in front of millions of people he would probably just pee his pants. He knew that he was good, but he was petrified of performing after the time that he was onstage in high school and broke his ankle when he landed a leap incorrectly.

Dan was at the peak of his performance and he was completely oblivious to his surroundings. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t seeing anything. He was completely focused on his dancing and the music playing from the speakers of his phone.

Dan was in the midst of a triple pirouette when he heard a voice that followed a loud noise. Dan was so startled by the intrusion of the noises into his headspace that he jumped and fell on his butt. He looked up to see the cause of the noise and saw a tall man covered in vibrant tattoos standing in the doorway of his studio. The man was holding a camera and his eyes were as wide as saucers, presumably because he was startled by the presence of a living person in an abandoned upstairs dance studio.

“Hi,” the man said quietly. “Sorry for interrupting you.” At his feet was a crowbar which was probably the source of the loud noise that had startled Dan out of the best performance of his routine that he had ever done. Dan looked the man in the eyes and wanted to be mad at him, but he couldn’t. He probably didn’t know that Dan was in here, and he probably didn’t have the intention of scaring him.

In the dim lighting, Dan couldn’t make out the colour of the man’s eyes, but he could tell that he had dark hair. Despite the cold of late March, the man was wearing a short-sleeved shirt that showed off the many tattoos that covered his arms. Dan thought he seemed attractive, though that may have been due to the poor lighting.

“I’m Phil,” the man said. He had a deep voice that echoed off of the cold brick walls of the building, and Dan’s heart melted like soft butter at the sound of it. He had always had a thing for guys with deep voices. Despite his love of tall men with deep voices, Dan knew that he should be apprehensive of a man that he didn’t know in this area of New York.

“I’m Dan,” Dan replied lamely. He was still on the floor and his music had skipped to the next song, and Dan was suddenly very embarrassed. He scrambled to his feet and grabbed his phone to pause the music that it was playing. He then pulled off his ballet shoes hastily and shoved his feet into his boots before saying, “I should get going,” and shoving his way past Phil and down the stairs.

He burst out of the building and walked at a quick pace in the direction of his apartment, not giving Phil a chance to question what he was doing. Dan always hated telling people that he was a ballerina because most people made fun of him for it, saying that it was ‘girly’ and stupid. Sure, Dan wasn’t the most masculine of guys, but he always hated being called ‘girly’. He didn’t dislike the title because he thought girls were weak or anything, but he knew that it was meant as an insult, so naturally he didn’t want to be called that.

When he arrived at his apartment, he didn’t see his roommate, so he decided to just go right to bed. It was a little past midnight, and he wasn’t really tired, but Dan decided to try to sleep anyways. He didn’t feel like doing anything else, so he stripped off his clothes and tucked himself into bed.

He lay awake and stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking about all of the ways that that Phil guy could be trashing his studio right now. He really hoped that Phil was a nice enough person to leave everything alone, but Dan learned to never trust anybody in New York, no matter how nice they seemed.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil meet once more, and Dan performs for Phil.

When Dan woke up the following morning, he longed to return to his studio to ensure that nothing had been tampered with, but he had to work at the supermarket for 8 hours instead. All the while that he was working he was thinking about Phil, his studio, his routine, and his audition. His audition was the most worrisome of them all, though, because it was only a month and a half away, and Dan still wasn’t comfortable dancing in front of his own parents, much less a panel of judges at Julliard.

As he was checking out customers, Dan looked at the clock every five minutes, desperate to be finished with his work so he could practice. When five o’clock finally came, Dan was out of the supermarket like a shot. He didn’t have a car, so Dan had to settle for speed-walking to the abandoned building uptown that he used to practice.

Once he had reached the tall, dilapidated stone building, he walked around to the back and climbed in through a hole in the wall behind a couple Dumpsters. He noticed a window had been stripped of the boards that had been barricading the building from unwanted visitors, and he assumed that Phil from last night had used his crowbar that he was carrying to pry the boards off of the window to get in.

Dan climbed the stairs hastily and noticed that his studio was just how he had left it. He breathed a sigh of relief, but his throat closed up soon after when he noticed Phil sitting in the corner with his camera at his feet. Phil’s head jerked up when he heard Dan sigh, and he smiled sweetly and waved.

“What are you doing here?” Dan asked hesitantly, not wanting to anger the unfamiliar man in case he was some kind of serial killer. Dan then wondered how long it would take for someone to find his body if Phil killed him upstairs. He guessed that it would probably be a while.

Phil got to his feet and took his camera from its place on the floor. “I wanted to see you dance, and I was hoping that you would be here again today,” he answered. “I didn’t get to see much of your performance yesterday.” With the sunlight streaming through the broken windows of the loft, Dan could see that Phil had blue-green eyes.

“Why do you expect me to dance for you? For all I know, you could be a murderer,” Dan explained as he took a few cautious steps into the room. He wanted to stay relatively close to the exit in case he had to make a quick escape.

“I suppose you’re right,” Phil said, “but if you show me some of your routine then I’ll buy you dinner and we can get acquainted a bit better.”

Dan considered that for a moment. He would gladly accept a dinner that he didn’t have to pay for, but he didn’t want to perform for Phil, or anyone really. “I’m not comfortable performing in front of other people, especially people that I don’t know,” Dan announced.

“Okay then,” Phil reasoned, “How about I buy you dinner and then you perform your dance for me?” He seemed really intent on watching Dan dance, and Dan didn’t have the energy to argue any further, so he agreed. “Great!” Phil exclaimed, grinning widely.

Phil walked towards the doorway, and turned around when Dan didn’t move. “Are you coming or what?” Phil asked. Dan reluctantly followed Phil, still not really trusting him. After living in New York for a year, Dan developed major trust issues. He’d come from a small town in Illinois, so he initially trusted people that he shouldn’t have and got himself into some bad situations.

The pair strolled down the block and Phil led them into a Chick-Fil-A restaurant. “Really? You’re taking me to Chick-Fil-A?” Dan said condescendingly.

Phil looked at him and raised his eyebrows. “Did you expect me to take you to some fancy restaurant? I’m a college student, I’m broke!” he defended himself, walking up to the till to order.

Dan followed Phil up to the counter. If the roles were swapped, Dan probably would have done the same thing because he didn’t have very much money either. As the cashier took their order, Dan marvelled at how cheerful and polite all of the Chick-fil-a staff were all the time. Dan hated his job at the supermarket and couldn’t imagine ever being this friendly to his customers.

Dan ordered a Spicy Deluxe Sandwich and Phil just ordered chicken nuggets, and they sat down together at a table next to the window once they had received their food.

“So,” Phil began, “tell me about yourself, Dan.” He popped a chicken nugget into his mouth and stared at Dan while waiting for him to answer.

Dan took in a deep breath and pondered what he could possibly say. ‘Tell me about yourself’ is a pretty broad question, so he didn’t really know where to start. “That’s kind of a crappy way to start a conversation,” Dan stated bluntly. “I don’t think you’ve got time to hear my entire life story, so maybe start with a more specific question.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Jeez, thanks for the constructive criticism,” he huffed. “Are you in college?”

“No, I’m not. I took a gap year,” Dan explained. “I’m auditioning at Julliard in a month and a half, though. I want to get a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dance there because I think it would set me up for a professional career in ballet better than any other school.” Dan looked down at the table while he was saying this. He wanted to Phil’s judging stare as best he could.

“Wow, that’s really ambitious! Were you practicing for your audition last night, then?” Phil said. Dan looked up and was surprised to see Phil looking impressed rather than critical. Most people laughed when Dan told them he wanted to be a professional ballerina.

“Yeah, I was,” Dan told Phil. Dan forced himself to oppress a smile at the fact that Phil seemed to support his idea of being a dancer.

Phil took a bite of another nugget. “If you’re nervous to perform in front of people then how are you going to do your audition?” he wondered. “I don’t mean to seem harsh, but if you’re nervous to perform in front of me then how are you going to perform in front of a panel of judges at Julliard?”

Dan sighed, “I’m wondering the same thing myself. I didn’t used to be afraid of performing; I actually loved it. But when I was a junior in high school I landed a leap wrong onstage and I broke my ankle in front of everyone in the audience. After that I was always scared to mess up again, so I haven’t really performed since then.” Dan didn’t meet Phil’s eyes and scanned the almost-empty restaurant instead.

Phil was quiet for a moment. He wanted to help Dan, but he didn’t know how. He brainstormed possible solutions and gazed out the window as he did so. He watched a street performer on the corner playing a trumpet, and he suddenly had an idea. “I could help you regain your confidence if you’d like me to,” Phil suggested. Dan looked at him and narrowed his eyes, considering his offer.

“How would you do that?” Dan asked.

“You’ll have to perform for me first,” Phil said. Dan glanced at the polished table top and back at Phil again. He hesitated before murmuring an agreement, which made Phil smile. “Finish your sandwich, then, and we’ll get back to your little practice room.”

Dan and Phil chattered as they each finished their meal. Dan learned that Phil was studying photography in his final year of college and was working on creating a portfolio for an upcoming art festival in May. He was hoping that if his portfolio was good enough that he would be noticed by some important people and he could get a job in photography.

Once they had finished, Dan and Phil walked back to the studio, still chatting. Dan was wary of Phil at first, but he had found that Phil was actually a really nice person and that he and Dan had a lot in common.

Dan had left his bag with his shoes and water in the studio, and when he and Phil got back, he walked over to it and pulled out his black ballet shoes. Phil sat on the floor in front of Dan and gasped when Dan took off the shoes and socks that he was currently wearing. “What?” Dan said in response to Phil’s gasp.

“Your feet,” Phil observed, his eyebrows furrowed tightly together in a concerned manner, “they’re all bruised.”

Dan looked down at his own feet. He did his best to take care of his feet, but being a ballerina takes a toll on your feet no matter how well you try to keep them in good condition. Dan’s feet were definitely better than some ballerina’s, but they were still bruised and scarred. “Well, yeah. I’m a ballerina. Standing on the tips of your toes all the time isn’t very easy,” he justified.

Dan slipped on one of his ballet shoes and began lacing it up. Phil said, “I didn’t think it was, but I didn’t know that it bruised your feet.”

Dan shrugged. “It’s really not that bad. When you’re dancing you can’t really feel pain, or at least I can’t. I go into a headspace where I don’t really notice anything except for the music,” he told Phil while lacing up his other shoe. “At least that’s how it is when I’m alone. When I’m performing in front of other people I get nervous, and then I pay too much attention to everything around me, which is what makes me mess up.”

Phil nodded. He supposed it kind of made sense. He couldn’t relate to it, though, because he wasn’t a performer, but he still understood it for the most part. He had heard other people who were passionate about the performing arts say the same type of thing. “You used to be able to block out everything but the music when you performed, though, right?” Phil asked for clarification. Dan nodded. “So if you could do it at one point then surely you can do it again. You just have to get used to performing in front of people again, and hopefully you’ll be able to do it with no problem.”

“Hopefully,” Dan sighed. He took his phone out of his pocket and opened up his music app to play the song that he danced his routine to. Phil had turned around as Dan walked to the middle of the room. Dan took a deep breath and closed his eyes before asking Phil to press play.

Dan began to dance, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of Phil’s eyes on him. In the first forty-five seconds, Dan had already stumbled twice and he was off balance, so he stopped dancing and told Phil to pause the music. When Dan sat down, Phil inquired, “What happened?”

“I could feel you watching me, and it made me nervous,” Dan replied with a huff. He was hoping that he would be able to perform well now that he knew Phil a bit better, but it didn’t work, and Dan was frustrated. It had been almost three years since he broke his ankle, so surely he should be fine with performing by now, but he wasn’t, and he hated it.

“Well, try again. You’ve been out of the spotlight for a long time, Dan, so it’s not going to take to a while to get used to it again. You’ll get there soon,” Phil assured him. Dan appreciated Phil’s words of encouragement and didn’t want to disappoint him, so he took in another breath and started again.

The boys were in the studio late into that night, but Dan was eventually able to get through the entire song with minimal mess-ups, and Dan was extremely proud of himself. He had gotten to know Phil really well, too, and they had agreed to meet up again tomorrow.

Once Dan had packed up and stood up to leave, Phil said, “Tomorrow I want to take you to Broadway Street.”

Dan cocked his head and asked, “Why Broadway?”

Phil smiled. “Because you’re going to dance there. It’ll help you get comfortable with performing in front of crowds, and you might even make a little money,” he explained.

Dan paled. When Phil told him that he would help Dan to be able to perform again, he hadn’t expected to be performing on the street corner of Broadway for whoever happened to walk past. He didn’t protest, though, only nodded and made his way out of the building and back to his apartment. He had been excited to meet Phil again tomorrow, but now he was dreading it.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil takes Dan out to an interesting location to get back into the routine of performing for a large audience.

Dan didn’t have work in the morning, so he and Phil agreed to meet at the studio at 10:00 AM. At 9:30, Dan was still lying in bed and staring at his ceiling. He didn’t want to go to Broadway, but he didn’t want to disappoint Phil, and he knew that if he were able to dance in front of hundreds of complete strangers he would be able to do his audition.

Begrudgingly, he whipped off his bedcovers and rolled out of bed. He trudged into his bathroom and glared at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. After brushing his teeth (for only one and a half minutes because he was feeling rebellious), Dan pulled on some black leggings and a gray t-shirt and grabbed his backpack before heading out the door to meet Phil at the studio.

When he reached the loft, Phil wasn’t there yet. It was 9:50 so Phil wasn’t quite late yet, but Dan still expected him to be early. Dan wasn’t complaining, though, because he would take any excuse he could get to avoid going to Broadway sooner than absolutely necessary.

Dan sat down and played on his phone while he waited for Phil. Normally he would be stretching right now, but he wanted to use that as an excuse to stay at the studio longer, so he didn’t.

Phil arrived a few minutes after Dan, and once he entered the studio he said, “Ready to go?”

Upon hearing Phil’s voice Dan jumped and dropped his phone in his lap. “Jesus on a boat, you scared the shit out of me!” Dan exclaimed, looking up at Phil, who was standing above him and supressing a smile. “And no, I’m not ready to go. I need to stretch.”

Dan slowly took off his trainers and began to stretch. “Why didn’t you stretch before I came?” Phil wondered, sitting next to Dan on the floor.

“I, uh, forgot,” Dan claimed, still stretching in the same position he had started in. He was purposely dragging out his stretches to buy himself more time.

Phil gave Dan a look that said, ‘yeah right,” and sighed. “Dan, if you don’t want to do this you don’t have to, you know that, right? I think that being a street performer for a day will really help you to be able to dance in front of big audiences, but I understand that it’s kind of a big step. It’s okay if you don’t want to do it,” Phil assured Dan. He held his gaze even though he could tell that Dan wanted to look away. Phil really did understand that he was asking something really big of Dan today, but Dan wasn’t going to get anywhere if he didn’t step outside of his comfort zone and push his limits. Phil also didn’t want to push Dan too far, either, so he wanted to give Dan room to say no if he needed to.

Dan finally looked down into his own lap. He thought about what Phil had said, and while he wanted to back out, he knew that if he didn’t at least try to push his limits that he would never get to where he wanted to be. Dan nodded to himself when he made his decision and looked back at Phil. “I want to. I need to actually perform and practice in front of others to build up my confidence, and I agree that performing on the street will help me to achieve that,” he announced. Phil gave Dan a small smile of reassurance, and Dan went back to stretching.

Once Dan had stretched and warmed up, he and Phil stood up and left the studio. Dan had his backpack hanging off of one shoulder, and Phil was carrying a Tupperware bowl in one hand and his camera on a strap around his neck. Dan gestured to the bowl in Phil’s hand as they walked out onto the sidewalk and in the direction of Broadway and asked, “What’s with the Tupperware bowl? It doesn’t even have a lid.”

Phil smiled and turned his head to look at Dan. “It’s for your tips,” Phil explained. “You’re not a true street performer if you don’t gather tips.”

Dan raised his eyebrows, shook his head, and said, “I can’t believe you’re taking this as seriously as you are.”

Phil shrugged and threw up his hands. “I’m basically your manager! I’ve got to pull out all the stops to make you successful,” he quipped in response. Dan laughed at this, and Phil couldn’t help but join in. Dan’s emotions were contagious to Phil; if Dan was happy, then Phil was too. If Dan was sad, so was Phil. If Dan was angry or frustrated, you can bet that Phil was feeling the same thing. The two had only known each other for a matter of days, but they had already started to create a bond that neither one of them had formed with any of their other friends.

Dan and Phil bantered lightheartedly as they continued the walk towards Broadway. Once they had made it to the street itself, Dan was surprised that there weren’t all that many people. It was a Wednesday afternoon in late March, so most people were at work rather than out on the streets.

Dan had never actually visited Broadway Theatre because he could never afford tickets to see a show there, but he’d always expected there to be a crowd around it since it seemed like kind of a tourist attraction. He was wrong, though. Nobody really seemed to pay it any attention.

“Let’s go over there,” Phil suggested, pointing to the sidewalk across the street from the theatre. It was a pretty spacious corner space without many obstacles, so it did seem like a pretty good place to dance. As they crossed the street to the corner, Dan’s stomach was churning. He’d never done anything like this, and he was scared that people would jeer at him. He didn’t even like to tell people that he was a ballerina, but now he was going to perform a ballet routine in the middle of the sidewalk in New York City where just anyone could see him.

Phil seemed to sense Dan’s nerves, so he smoothed a hand over Dan’s back briefly to reassure him. Dan looked to Phil and smiled, appreciating the reassurance.

Once they had reached the other side of the street, Dan sat down on the pavement and replaced his trainers with his ballet shoes. He expected people to give him weird looks, but nobody seemed to pay him any mind. In New York, they had probably seen much weirder things than a 19-year-old boy putting on ballet slippers on the sidewalk.

Phil sat down as close to the edge of the sidewalk as he could manage without running the risk of being hit by a car to give Dan room. He set his Tupperware bowl on the pavement as Dan took out his phone opened it to his song. He had a speaker in his backpack, so he plugged his phone into the speaker and set it beside Phil on the ground.

Dan stepped out a little ways in front of Phil and took in a breath. “You can do it, Dan,” Phil said, giving Dan a thumbs up. Dan nodded and told Phil to start the music.

As the music began, Dan closed his eyes and concentrated on blocking out the noises of the city and tried to focus on the music. He couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched, but he didn’t let that stop him. He was determined to finish his routine, no matter how poorly executed it was.

Dan did actually do very badly, but he finished the dance, which was enough of an accomplishment for him. Phil clapped and beamed at Dan, proud of him for persevering even though he looked like he was on the verge of vomiting.

Dan looked at the passers-by around him and saw a few people staring. He wanted to stick his tongue out at them and tell them to go away, but instead he gave them a shaky smile, mostly to reassure himself. He told Phil to play the song again, and this time he did better. Still not very good, but better.

He danced the routine a few more times before saying to Phil, “I’m getting bored of performing this song.” He had been dancing to nothing but Suite Bergamasque: III for weeks, and he was itching to do something else.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “can you do improv?”

“I can try,” Dan answered. He hadn’t done improv in a long time, and he’d only ever done it in practise. He told himself that that didn’t matter, though, because he would probably never see the people that watched him on the street ever again.

Phil grinned and scrolled through Dan’s music to find a song. He decided to play something lively because all of the people that passed them seemed grumpy and could use some cheering up. Phil hoped that it would help Dan get his spirit up as well.

When Dan heard the beginning of Barcelona by Ed Sheeran, he was surprised. He thought that Phil would’ve picked more of a slow song that he could dance ballet to, but he didn’t. It was a good thing that Dan had experience with jazz and modern dance, because this was definitely not a ballet song.

He made up moves as he went along and found himself smiling despite being in front of so many people. A few citizens had stopped to watch him, and Dan found it boosting his confidence rather than diminishing it. Dan was actually having fun, which he didn’t expect to be happening. Phil was looking at him like he was the centre of the universe, and Dan was living for it.

When the song ended, Phil applauded and a few other people joined in. Dan was beamed at Phil, who was beaming right back at him. Phil picked up Dan’s phone and leafed through the songs that he had before settling on one. He had chosen Wake Me up Before You Go-Go by Wham!, and Dan was excited by that because he had danced to it in his freshman year of high school.

He remembered most of his performance, and it was one that he had spent a lot of time writing back in the day. He enjoyed dancing to this song far more than he had enjoyed dancing in a while, and he felt on top of the world. The crowd around him had thickened substantially, and a few people were clapping to the beat and egging him on even further.

The song ended, and the people around Dan clapped and whistled. Phil handed him his water bottle and told him, “You look like you’re enjoying yourself.”

“That’s because I am,” Dan replied, still grinning. He took a few gulps of water before handing the bottle back to Phil. “I never would have thought I’d enjoy performing again. Thank you, Phil, for forcing me to step out of my comfort zone. And for being the best DJ I’ve ever had.”

Some people from the crowd had listened in on Dan and Phil’s conversation, and someone shouted, “Way to go, Phil!” and began to applaud him. Dan joined in the applause along with a few others, and Phil smiled and bowed as best he could while sitting.

Dan danced to Suite Bergamasque: III once more, and this time he did just as well as he would have if he were alone in his studio. After this he decided he was done, so Phil collected the Tupperware bowl of tips and Dan packed up.

They walked back to the studio together, and Phil counted the tips on the way. “Forty-one, forty-two, thirty-five dollars and forty-three cents! Not bad for a rookie,” Phil announced, handing the money to Dan.

Dan rolled his eyes and said, “I’m no rookie. I’m a seasoned professional, thank you very much.” He looked at Phil, who chuckled. “Seriously, though, thank you for making me do that. I had a lot of fun.”

Phil smiled and responded with, “You’re welcome. I’m glad you had fun. We’re going to keep doing stuff like this, and I’m going to make sure that you can’t give a bad performance even if you try.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What starts out as an innocent movie night turns into Dan finding himself with a choice to make.

It had been three weeks since Dan and Phil met, and Dan had just finished performing in Central Park with Phil watching and supporting him.

The two had been spending most days together since they met, and they had quickly become each other’s best friend. It was common for the two of them to meet up at the studio and work on their respective projects. Dan would dance and Phil would work on piecing together his portfolio, and they would simply enjoy each other’s company.

Dan decided that with his tip money he would take Phil out for ice cream, but he learned that Phil was lactose intolerant, so they settled for Slurpees from 7-Eleven.

Since Slurpees don’t cost very much and Dan had made twenty-two dollars and eight cents, they decided to splurge and each get the Mega size. Dan got cherry and Phil got blue raspberry, and they had a debate about which flavour was the best as they walked to a nearby park to rest.

“Blue raspberry is always the best flavour of everything. It tastes like magic and yumminess while cherry tastes like cough medicine,” Phil argued, taking a large gulp of his drink for effect.

Dan scoffed, “Whatever! Blue raspberry tastes like tooth decay and diabetes.” He sipped his Slurpee to imitate Phil. They were nearing the park now, and Dan was thankful to see that it was mostly free of people.

Phil shook his head. “Tell me what it’s like to be a person who lacks basic judgement skills,” he said, looking at Dan amusedly.

“I think you could answer that question better than I could, Phil,” Dan quipped, returning Phil’s gaze. A smug smile had worked its way onto Dan’s face, and he looked away from Phil and back to the park in front of him.

Phil clicked his tongue and opened his mouth in a ‘how dare you’ fashion, but a smile infiltrated his guise, so his expression turned out as more or less an open-mouthed grin. “You’ve got some nerve, Dan Howell,” Phil chuckled. “You’re lucky I don’t end our friendship right here.”

Dan rolled his eyes and protested, “Oh please! You couldn’t get rid of me even if you wanted to.” They both knew that Dan was right because even though they had only known each other for a few days, they had become quite close to each other. “Hey, why did you come into my studio on Monday night three weeks ago? We never really talked about that.”

They had reached the park by then and made their way over to an empty stone bench that sat under a tall oak tree and overlooked the playground that was void of any children. Once they sat down, Phil spoke, “I was looking for something to photograph for my portfolio. At that time I still hadn’t even worked out a theme, so I was planning on looking through abandoned buildings for possible inspiration, but the first building I entered was the one that you were in.”

Dan nodded. Dan had asked what Phil’s theme was, but Phil told him that it was a surprise and he’d have to wait to find out. This annoyed Dan very much and he pestered Phil a lot about it at first, but by now he had accepted it and didn’t whine anymore.

“You carry that camera around with you everywhere, but I’ve never actually seen you use it,” Dan commented, glancing at the camera hanging around Phil’s neck and then back up at Phil’s face. Every time he saw Phil he had his camera, and they saw each other almost every day for three weeks, but Dan hadn’t ever seen Phil take any pictures.

Phil reached up to his camera and snapped a quick photo of Dan. “Now you have.”

“Phil!” Dan whined (a/n: i’m positive you could hear Dan’s voice saying that in your head). “Let me see that!” Phil laughed and scrolled through his camera to find the picture he had just taken, and he laughed even harder when he found it. Dan’s eyes were half closed and he hardly looked like himself. Dan ripped the camera out of Phil’s hands and looked at the picture. “Delete it, please!”

Phil, who was still laughing, took back his camera and replied, “I won’t show it to anyone.” Dan gave Phil puppy dog eyes, and Phil shook his head. “I’m keeping it so that thirty years in the future we’ll remember this day and smile.”

Dan huffed and tried to pretend that he was annoyed, but a smile crept onto his face anyways. How could he not smile when Phil was sitting in front of him and looking at him with that fond look that said, “I never want to leave your side.”

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil and looked out at the empty playground in front of them. They finished their Slurpees in a comfortable silence, and it gave Dan time to think. He thought about Phil, and how he always looked at Dan like he was the centre of his universe. Dan looked over at Phil, who was watching the ducks swimming in the pond across the park. Dan had never really thought much about his feelings about Phil. Did he have a crush on him? When Phil noticed that Dan was looking at him, he turned his head and smiled at him. At that moment, Dan knew that yes, he did have a crush on Phil. Phil was always there, always striving to help Dan in any way he could, always making Dan happy when they were together.

Phil looked away from Dan and back to the ducks, and glanced at his lips, which were wrapped around the straw sticking out of his Slurpee cup. He looked back up at Phil’s eyes, and he had the urge to lean over and kiss him. He didn’t, though, because he didn’t think it was the right time. He wanted to wait to kiss Phil for the first time because he wanted it to be special and mutually consensual. He was pretty sure that Phil had a crush on him as well, but he wanted to be sure before he just kissed him out of the blue.

Dan eyes left Phil, but his mind didn’t. He was so wrapped up in sifting through his thoughts and feelings that he didn’t notice when Phil spoke to him. Phil snapped his fingers in front of Dan’s face, and Dan jumped. He looked to Phil, who was smiling amusedly. “What do you want to do now?” Phil asked.

Dan blinked and looked around. The sun was beginning to set, but Dan didn’t want to go home. “We could watch a movie,” Dan suggested. He just wanted to spend time with Phil, but he couldn’t really think of anything to actually do with him, so he suggested a movie because it was the first thing he could think of. Watching a movie with Phil may also give him the opportunity to cuddle up next to him, especially if it was a scary one.

“Okay,” Phil agreed. “Did you want to go to the cinema or back to mine?”

Dan’s heart leapt into his throat. The thought of being alone with Phil in his flat made butterflies flutter into his stomach. “Yours is good,” he choked out.

“Sounds good.” Phil got up from the bench and looked at Dan expectantly. After shoving his heart back down his throat, Dan agreed and jumped up and off the bench.

They started off towards downtown, and Dan began to wonder how far away Phil’s flat was. “Where is your flat?” he asked.

“I live on campus at NYU. They have apartments for seniors, so I live in one of those because I got a room and board scholarship, and I don’t have to pay to live there,” Phil explained. Dan nodded and realised that they were in for a very long walk. NYU was downtown, but they were currently uptown because they had been at Central Park earlier in the day.

They chattered here and there on their way downtown, and finally reached the NYU campus. It was a huge campus, but Phil seemed to know his way around pretty well. A few students waved or said hello as they passed him and Phil returned their gestures.

As the two made their way across campus, Dan did his best to push all thoughts of nervousness into the depths of his brain. Instead, he busied his mind with sorting through his thoughts and feelings about Phil once again. Yeah, he’d had feelings of wanting to kiss him or hold his hand and do things of that nature, but he’d never really processed the fact that he had a crush on him. He’d been busy with other things on his mind, so he didn’t take much time to consider his personal and intimate feelings. His dominate feeling had been stressed for so long and Dan was always wishing that he was happier, but the past few weeks Dan realised that he was happy the majority of the time, and that was because he spent as much time as he could with Phil. Just a quick ‘have a good day!’ text from Phil would brighten his mood for the entirety of the day, and Dan hadn’t realised how much happier Phil made him until now.

They reached a tall stone building with a set of glass double doors, and Phil opened one of them and held it open while Dan walked through. Dan mumbled a thanks and let Phil guide him up the stairs to his room. “Sorry about all of the stairs. This building is old, and it doesn’t have an elevator,” Phil apologised as they reached the third and final floor of the building.

“It’s fine,” Dan assured him. “It’s not your fault that the building doesn’t have an elevator.”

“I’m not sure why the builders didn’t ask my opinion about whether or not to have an elevator,” Phil joked. “I mean, I’m such a fabulous architect that they were really foolish not to ask for my two cents.” Phil looked at Dan and smiled. They were strolling down the hallway to Phil’s apartment, and Phil had been fighting the urge to hold Dan’s hand the whole way to NYU.

They reached door 314, and Phil took a key out of his wallet to unlock the door. He pushed open the door and spread his arms. “Here’s my fabulous apartment in all its glory,” he announced, clearly being facetious. It wasn’t bad by any means, but it was obviously old and sparsely decorated seeing as décor isn’t a high priority of a college student. There was a worn white sofa in the centre of the small living room with a television standing on a black TV stand. The kitchen branched off of the living room, along with a small hallway.

“It’s a true masterpiece,” Dan critiqued playfully. Phil shoved Dan gently with his elbow and led them into the living room.

After picking up the remote from its place on the couch, Phil said, “There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry. Help yourself.” He switched on the television and monkeyed around with the channels and some of the cables that connected from his laptop to the TV as he tried to get Netflix to show up.

Dan left the living room and wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat. He opened up a few cabinets until he found the pantry and took out two packets of microwave popcorn. He put the first packet in the microwave and began to scour the kitchen for a bowl.

Phil heard popcorn popping and shouted to Dan, “There’s a big bowl in the corner cabinet.” In the kitchen Dan followed Phil’s directions and, sure enough, found a large, blue plastic bowl for their popcorn. “What movie do you want to watch?” Phil asked from the living room. He had finally managed to connect Netflix to the TV from his laptop and was scrolling through the vast assortment of movies.

“Something scary,” Dan replied as he removed the first packet of popcorn from the microwave. He put the second packet in and dumped the freshly popped popcorn into the bowl, save for a few stray kernels that fell onto the floor. Obeying the Five Second Rule, Dan picked up the stray popcorn and ate it.

Phil was sitting on the floor in front of his laptop as he was sifting through the movies in the Horror category, and he was having a hard time deciding which one to choose. He quickly became annoyed with his own indecisiveness, so he shouted out to Dan, “How about Scream?”

Dan had already seen the first Scream movie multiple times, but he didn’t really care what movie they watched as long as he could snuggle up next to Phil. “Yeah, that’s good,” Dan replied. The second bag of popcorn was now done, and Dan managed to pour the whole thing into the bowl without dropping a single kernel of popcorn on the floor.

Dan carried the bowl into the living room and sat on the couch as Phil turned off the lights and began the movie. Dan had taken a blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch and laid it over his legs. When Phil sat down, he pulled some of the blanket over to cover his own legs. He set the bowl of popcorn in his lap and the movie began.

***

The movie had been playing for a while and it was starting to get to the scary part, so Dan figured that now was an acceptable time to snuggle in closer to Phil. He slowly moved to the left until he was leaning against Phil’s side, and he rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil looked over to him and asked, “Are you scared?” Dan glanced up at him, shrugged, and looked back at the television screen.

Phil’s heart was fluttering and he wasn’t sure how to react, but he decided to lean his head to gently lay on top of Dan’s, and he could feel Dan smile against his shoulder, so he kept his head where it was.

After about ten minutes, Dan stretched out his hand and searched for Phil’s underneath the blanket. He couldn’t find it, but Phil seemed to realise what he was doing because he placed his hand into Dan’s. Dan looked up at Phil, but Phil had his eyes trained on the television. Dan had seen the movie several times before, so he was absolutely fine with staring at Phil for the remainder of the movie. Phil smoothed his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand, and Dan never wanted to leave this moment. He wanted to stay next to Phil and hold his hand for the rest of his life.

Phil eventually noticed that Dan was staring at him rather than watching the movie, so he turned his head to gaze at Dan, who was looking at him with stars in his eyes. “Is everything okay?” Phil asked. Phil began to worry that maybe he had chosen a movie that Dan didn’t like and that Dan had been sitting here bored out of his mind for over an hour.

Dan blinked and snapped out of his headspace when Phil addressed him. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Why do you ask?” Dan dismissed. Dan initially tried to pass off the fact that he was paying more attention to Phil than the movie, but it was obvious that Phil saw right through him.

“You kind of stopped watching the movie, so I thought that maybe I picked a movie that you don’t like,” Phil explained, chewing on his lip. He figured that Dan was too polite to say anything, but he was staring at Phil to give him the silent message that he didn’t want to watch this movie anymore.

Dan shook his head. “No, Scream is a fine movie,” Dan said. “I’ve just got something more interesting to look at.” Dan’s heart was beating a mile a minute as he said those words, but the look on Phil’s face assured him that he had said the right thing.

“Oh,” Phil whispered. He was absolutely dumbfounded. Sure, Dan was currently cuddled up against his side and holding his hand, but Phil figured that that was only because he was scared of the movie. That didn’t seem to be the sole reason anymore, though. Phil didn’t know what to say and just continued to look at Dan. Dan glanced at Phil’s lips and then back up at his eyes, and Phil finally took the hint.

Phil began to lean in slowly, just in case he had read Dan’s body language wrong, but Dan wasted no time. He brought his hands up to Phil’s neck and closed the space between them impulsively. Phil had kissed other people before, of course, and he always thought that the ‘fireworks’ that other people described when they kissed someone was fake, but when he kissed Dan he was proven to be false. Phil felt like he was humming with electricity when his lips connected with Dan’s, and he never wanted it to stop.

It did stop, though, after a good eight or so seconds. When the two pulled away, they were both beaming. Dan simply turned to the television and started watching the movie again, still smiling. Phil didn’t know what he expected to happen after they kissed, but he was surprised that Dan just went back to watching the movie. He wasn’t mad, though. It only fuelled his soft feelings towards Dan. Even after kissing his best friend, Dan was still able to be happy and nonchalant without worrying about labels or ‘taking their relationship to the next level’. It showed that they could just be Dan and Phil, simple as that. There didn’t need to be any expectations or requirements and they could do what they wanted at their own pace.

Phil’s gaze lingered on Dan for a few more moments before he turned back to the movie as well and took Dan’s hand once again.

After Scream ended, Dan and Phil decided to watch a more light-hearted film before they went to bed so they didn’t have nightmares, and they settled on Free Willy. They didn’t get to see Willy be freed, however, because they both fell asleep next to each other within half an hour after the movie began.

***

When Dan woke up the next morning, sunlight was streaming through the windows, and Phil’s arms were around him. He was about to go back to sleep, but he caught a glimpse of the clock that hung on the wall next to the couch and saw that it was 8:30.

At first the time didn’t matter to him, and he closed his eyes, but then he remembered that he was supposed to be at work at 8:15 that morning. Dan’s eyes shot open and he carefully removed himself from Phil’s arms so he didn’t wake his snoozing friend. He found a pad of paper and a pen in the kitchen and scribbled out a note to explain why he was gone and raced out the door.

As Dan left Phil’s building, he realised that he had no idea where he was going. He should have been paying more attention to where Phil was guiding him last night, but Dan was notorious for not paying attention to his surroundings.

Dan wandered around campus and tried to figure out where he was. He was downtown and the supermarket that he worked at was uptown, so he still had to go all the way across town. Dan pulled out his phone and opened up his Maps app to find his way back to a main road. He soon found the main road and began to run in its direction because he needed to get to work as soon as possible. His boss already didn’t like him much, so he couldn’t afford to make many mistakes. Jobs were hard to come by in New York, so he really didn’t want to lose the one that he currently upheld.

He reached the main road and whistled for a taxi. Dan didn’t usually take taxis because he couldn’t afford them, but it was safe to say that it was an emergency. A cabbie pulled over and Dan told her where he was going and to step on it.

The ride uptown gave Dan time to think about last night and he couldn’t help but smile. Spending time with Phil had become his favourite thing to do, and he decided that being late for work was worth getting to spend the night with Phil.

Luckily, Dan didn’t get fired when he arrived at work, but he was chewed out by his boss. Dan didn’t really pay attention to what his boss was saying, though, and all he caught was that he was on his last warning. He was also told that he wouldn’t be allowed to take the day off he had requested next week, and Dan’s heart sank. He had asked for next Friday off because it was Phil’s film festival and he had wanted Dan to come with him, and Dan really wanted to attend because he hadn’t actually seen Phil’s portfolio because it was supposed to be a surprise.

It looked like Dan would have to choose between his job and Phil, though Dan didn’t think it was a very hard choice to make.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have a sleepover and smut ensues.

“You’re finally here! Sure took you long enough,” Phil greeted Dan, who was standing at the door of Phil’s apartment. Dan and Phil had arranged a sleepover together since the art festival at which Phil was showcasing his photography portfolio was the following day.

Dan was standing at Phil’s door with a duffel bag, a pillow, and giddiness to spend the next 24 hours with his favourite person. They hadn’t seen each other since their impromptu sleepover a week previous since Phil had been so busy making final touches to his portfolio. He had been working all week and didn’t stop until Dan showed up at his door at 8:00 PM for their sleepover.

Phil ushered Dan into his apartment and Dan set his bag and pillow on the floor in the living room. “How are you? I feel like it’s been years since we’ve seen each other!” Phil said as he sat on the end of the couch and leaned his back against the armrest.

Dan laughed as he sat down on the opposite end of the couch and mimicked Phil’s position. “It’s only been a week since we last saw each other, and we’ve talked on the phone every day this week,” Dan giggled.

Phil admitted, “Yeah, but I still missed you.” He bumped Dan’s feet with his own and smiled sheepishly. Dan grinned and bumped Phil’s feet in reciprocation. They stared at each other for a few moments before Dan decided that he was bored.

“So what do you want to do? You invited me here, so you must have had some plans,” Dan said. He drew his legs up to sit criss-cross and leaned his elbows on his knees. He really had missed seeing Phil, and he was really glad to be able to spend time with him. He had teased Phil about acting like they had been apart for years when it had really only been a week, but Dan was probably more thankful to see Phil than vice versa. When he left Phil’s apartment early in the morning after they had kissed the night previous, he was worried that Phil would think he was afraid to face him even though he had left a note. He called Phil that afternoon to make sure that it was clear that he only left because he had to, and that he absolutely didn’t regret kissing him.

Phil shrugged. He really didn’t have any particular plans for tonight, and he invited Dan because they would have to get going early in the morning, and it would be easier to stay the night together than have to meet each other at the park where it would be crowded. Phil also invited Dan to stay the night because he hoped the evening would pan out similar to the last time they had had a sleepover. “I don’t know. I didn’t really plan anything.”

Dan heaved a sigh and threw himself back to let his upper body dangle off of the couch. “I can’t believe you invited me to a sleepover but didn’t plan anything to do,” he criticised jokingly. “What a terrible host.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry! What can I possibly do to make it up to you?” Phil countered mockingly. After saying this, Phil realised that Dan could take this multiple ways. Phil had meant it in a playful manner, but Dan could interpret it as a sexual invitation. Truthfully, Phil wouldn’t actually mind that at all, but he didn’t think that Dan would be open to that, seeing as he was 19, presumably a virgin, and he and Phil weren’t even dating.

“We-ell,” Dan looked up and cocked his head sportively as if pondering a reply. “You could always kiss me again.” He looked back at Phil with a cheeky grin.

Phil smiled and replied, “I suppose I can make that happen.” Dan grinned wider and crawled across the couch to straddle Phil’s legs and kiss him. Dan wrapped his arms loosely around Phil’s neck as Phil looped his arms around Dan’s waist. As they kissed Dan scooted gradually closer to Phil until their upper bodies were pressed together.

Their kissing had begun to get more heated, and Phil boldly detached his lips from Dan’s and relocated them to Dan’s throat, just underneath his jaw. Dan whined softly and lifted his chin to give Phil more area to work with. Dan had only received a hickey one other time in his life, and up until now he hadn’t known that he liked getting them.

All thoughts other than ‘more’ and ‘never stop’ had left Dan’s mind as Phil’s lips slowly worked down Dan’s neck. Phil pulled away momentarily to move to the other side of Dan’s neck, and Dan let out a truly sinful noise when Phil bit down gently on the soft skin right underneath Dan’s ear. Phil supressed a smile, and he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t turn him on.

Dan’s hands had moved from Phil’s shoulders to his back, and he was gripping at the material of Phil’s shirt. Phil removed his face from Dan’s neck to look at the younger boy in his lap, and Dan’s pupils were wide and his face was flushed. “You good?” Phil asked, making sure that Dan wasn’t uncomfortable.

“Fantastic,” Dan said breathlessly. He looked beautiful like this, Phil thought, and he would honestly take him right here if he were able. He was fairly sure that Dan was a virgin, though, and if that was true then he would want to be extra gentle with him, and the couch wasn’t a very good place for that. “Could we, uh, go to your bedroom?” Dan suggested, tugging at his lip with his teeth. He looked nervous, but there was a glint of want in his eyes.

Phil raised an eyebrow and gave Dan a soft look. “You realise what you’re suggesting, right?” Phil said. He didn’t want to interpret Dan’s words wrong and put him in an uncomfortable position, but he most definitely didn’t mind the thought of taking Dan to his bedroom. He did his best to ignore his own desires, though, because he cared a lot about Dan and didn’t want him to be hurt.

Dan nodded, “Yeah.” He was chewing on the inside of his lip, and while he was nervous for his first time, he was sure that he was ready. It didn’t matter to him that he wasn’t dating Phil, because he didn’t need to date him to know that he loved him.

“Alright,” Phil said softly. “If you want to stop or slow down then please, please tell me. I don’t want anything that you don’t want. Do you want to pick a safe word?” If Dan hadn’t chosen a safe word then Phil would have picked one himself, but he wanted to let Dan choose if he wanted to. He wanted Dan to know that he was in total control tonight, and that Phil would only do what Dan wanted to do.

“Stop?” Dan suggested, giggling tentatively. Phil chuckled softly and nodded. Dan wished he wasn’t as anxious as he was, so he kissed Phil again to soothe his nerves. He knew he shouldn’t be nervous, because he trusted Phil and he wanted Phil, and he had had something up his ass multiple times before. It was the fact that it was someone else up his ass was nerve wracking, though, because Dan was no longer in control of how it happened. He trusted Phil, though, and he knew that Phil would never hurt him on purpose.

Phil pulled away from the kiss after a few moments and whispered to Dan while looking him in the eyes, “Just know that you’re in control, okay? Tell me what you’re feeling and what you need, because I want this to be as good for you as I can make it.” Dan smiled and sighed in relief. Phil always seemed to know what he was thinking, and it was that which made him sure that he wanted to do this with Phil.

Dan stood up from Phil’s lap, and Phil took Dan’s hand as he led him to his bedroom. Dan hadn’t actually been in Phil’s bedroom before, and it was decorated thoroughly in contrast to the rest of the apartment. There was a desk that held his laptop and some textbooks, and there were little knickknacks everywhere. Phil had posted a few posters and pictures, and Dan’s heart warmed when he noticed a framed picture of him and Phil on Phil’s bedside table. “Your room is so cute,” Dan told Phil. Phil dismissed his comment but blushed anyways.

Dan sat on Phil’s bed, and Phil followed suit. Dan wasn’t sure what to do next, so he just kissed Phil once again. He was sure that he would never tire of kissing Phil. Dan moved up the bed to sit against the pillows, and Phil followed him.

They hadn’t been in Phil’s bedroom for long before Dan wanted to keep going, so he pushed his hands up the front of Phil’s shirt. Phil got the memo and pulled away momentarily to remove his shirt. Dan didn’t want to be behind, so he did the same. Phil’s hands came to Dan’s waist, and he smoothed his hands up the soft skin. Phil’s mouth moved to Dan’s collarbones as well, and Dan sighed.

“Are you a virgin?” Phil asked. He had pulled his lips away from Dan’s collar after a bit to confirm his assumption. Dan nodded hesitantly and looked away as if embarrassed. “Hey, there’s no need to be ashamed, Dan. Everyone has a first time, and I don’t mind that this is yours. I just want to make sure that you’re comfortable, and that information will help me to ensure that.”

Dan looked up at Phil timidly and nodded. Phil gave him a reassuring smile and kissed him softly. The kiss lasted only a second, but it gave Dan the confidence to continue. “Keep going,” he said quietly. He parted his legs so that Phil could sit between them, and Phil went back to work kissing across Dan’s chest and collar.

Phil’s lips soon reached Dan’s nipple, and Dan squirmed and whimpered. His hands tangled in the hair at the junction of Phil’s neck and head, and this spurred Phil to keep going.

Dan’s jeans were beginning to feel restricting, and he wanted them off. He kicked his legs and said to Phil, “Take my jeans off, please.”

Phil pulled away and obeyed Dan’s order, undoing the button and zipper on Dan’s jeans and tugging them off. Phil wasn’t sure if Dan wanted Phil to take his jeans off as well, but seeing as he had taken off his own shirt at the same time that Phil had, he assumed that Dan wanted to be just as naked as Phil, so he took off his own jeans. He could see Dan looking at the tent in his boxers with wide eyes, so he asked Dan if he still wanted to continue.

“Yeah! I just didn’t think you’d be that big,” Dan said. Phil had a hard time stifling a laugh, and he didn’t do a very good job at it. “Not that I thought you’d be small,” Dan added, not wanting to bruise Phil’s ego.

“I know, no offense taken,” Phil assured him. “I can bottom, too, if you’d rather.” Phil really didn’t want to bottom very much, but he would do it if it would make Dan more comfortable. Thankfully, Dan said that he didn’t want to top.

The two soon recovered from their giggles, and Phil straddled Dan’s thighs and went back to work on Dan’s nipples.

Dan had been working to control his movements and sounds, but he soon reached the point where he simply couldn’t anymore, and he lifted his hips up to meet Phil’s. Phil ground down into Dan slowly in response, and Dan moaned. Phil took this as an incentive to do it again, and Dan couldn’t help but buck up.

“Fuck,” Dan breathed. “Please fuck me.”

Phil’s cock twitched in his boxers at Dan’s words, and he sat back. “Are you sure?” He asked. Dan nodded desperately, so Phil reached over to his bedside table and pulled out the top drawer and produced a condom and a bottle of lube. He set them on the bed and kissed Dan once before asking if he could take off Dan’s underwear.

Dan agreed, and was relieved when his cock was finally free. Dan would have been self-conscious around anyone else, but he felt differently around Phil. Phil asked if Dan wanted him to do the same even though he hadn’t before. Dan said yes, so Phil removed his boxers. Dan glanced at Phil’s cock and then back up at his eyes and erupted into giggles as he remembered what he had said about it only minutes previous. Phil couldn’t help but laugh as well, and he really hoped that his own penis wouldn’t become an inside joke between him and Dan.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Dan said as he calmed down from his giggle fit. “Just hurry up and finger me already.”

Phil supressed a chuckle, determined not to start laughing again, and grabbed the bottle of lube. He coated three of his fingers and guided Dan’s legs apart. He settled between them and looked up at Dan, who was now seeming tense. Phil asked if he was okay with his eyes, and Dan nodded in response. Phil leaned up and kissed Dan to draw his attention away from his anxiety and slowly eased his index finger into Dan.

Dan was tense at first, but slowly relaxed as he realised that it was just Phil. He wasn’t really in any pain and he was used to the initial discomfort as he had fingered himself many times before, so he came to enjoy the moment. One finger was never really enough to feel good, so he urged Phil to insert another. Dan felt a faint, familiar burn as Phil added his middle finger along with his index finger. Once the burn subsided, Dan began to push back against Phil’s fingers, and Phil began to move his fingers in and out of Dan, slowly at first and gradually speeding up as Dan adjusted.

Phil thrusted his fingers particularly deep and Dan felt a quick burst of sudden, intense pleasure. He couldn’t help but release a high-pitched moan, and Phil repeated his previous action. “Fuck!” Dan cried as Phil hit his prostate once again, harder this time. “Ugh, add another finger so you can hurry up and fuck me!”

“So bossy,” Phil chided. He did as Dan said, however, and put in a third finger. Dan said that he was stretched enough after several thrusts with Phil’s third finger added, so Phil removed his fingers and unwrapped the condom that he had set on the bed.

The time that it took Phil to put the condom on and lube up his length gave Dan time to become nervous once again. Sure, he had used a dildo plenty of times, but he had always been able to move it exactly how he wanted to. Now, Phil was the one moving inside of Dan, and Dan didn’t have nearly as much control over Phil as he did a dildo that he was moving himself. He remembered what Phil had said earlier about Dan being in complete control, but the most that he could really do was tell Phil what felt good and what didn’t. He knew that Phil would stop if Dan told him to, but that didn’t stop his mind from wandering to the thought of Phil not stopping.

“Dan,” Phil said, causing Dan to snap back into reality. Dan knew that Phil could tell that he was nervous again because Phil’s brow was furrowed and there was a worried look in Phil’s eyes. “We don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to, okay?”

Dan shook his head, because he wanted to keep going. “No, I want to,” he told Phil. “Just… go slow, okay?” He felt embarrassed because he had been so confident moments earlier and wanted to keep his gaze on Phil’s bedspread, but he looked at Phil anyways.

“I will, don’t worry. I promise that I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but you’ve got to tell me what you want, okay? I can’t read your mind, even though I’d like to be able to right now,” Phil said. Dan visibly relaxed at Phil’s words, and he nodded.

“You can go,” Dan announced. He laid back and tried to relax his body as much as he could because he knew it would hurt the most if he was tense.

Phil leaned forward and placed his hand on Dan’s cheek. “I’ll go slow, but tell me if it hurts and you want me to go even slower, or if you need a break, or if you need to stop, okay, Dan?”

“Okay, Phil,” Dan nodded. Phil kissed him and pressed against Dan’s entrance. Dan pushed back against Phil to let him know that he was ready, and Phil began to push in.

It burned a bit as Phil pushed in, but he was going slow just like Dan had asked, and Phil’s lips on his distracted Dan from the pain, and soon Phil’s hips were pressed flush against Dan’s. “Don’t move yet,” Dan requested, pulling away from Phil’s mouth just enough to be able to talk, and his lips still brushed against Phil’s as he spoke.

“I won’t,” Phil assured him. He stroked Dan’s cheek with his thumb and his side with his other hand to ensure that Dan was comfortable and relaxed. He kissed Dan softly once more, ignoring his urge to buck his hips into the warm, tight heat of Dan.

Phil had been stationary for a couple minutes before Dan was ready for him to move. Phil pulled out and pushed back in slowly, and Dan sighed contently. After a few thrusts, Dan was beginning to really enjoy the feeling of Phil inside him, so he asked for Phil to go a bit faster, which he did.

Phil hit Dan’s prostate softly, which honestly wasn’t that hard to do with the size of his cock, and Dan moaned loudly. “There,” he gasped. Phil thrusted into the same spot again, and Dan moaned again. “Harder,” Dan whined.

Phil complied, and within minutes Dan had lost any self-control that he had been maintaining. “Ah, Phil! More,” he whined. Dan had figured that having sex wasn’t much different from using a dildo, but he was definitely wrong. He was enjoying himself a million times more that he did when Phil was inside of him than when he used a dildo on himself, and he wondered why he hadn’t done this sooner.

He pulled Phil down to kiss him once more, and then asked him to go faster. At this point, Dan really had no control over what he was saying or doing. He didn’t think it would be so easy for him to lose himself. “Fuck! I love you, Phil.”

Phil hesitated for a moment, but he knew that Dan probably didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, so he pushed Dan’s words to the back of his mind. Even though Phil wasn’t vocal about it, he was enjoying himself just as much as Dan was. He hoped that Dan wasn’t put off by the fact that Phil wasn’t making much noise. Phil wasn’t generally a very vocal person, and while that changed for some people during sex, it didn’t for Phil.

Dan wrapped his legs around Phil’s waist and cried, “Harder!” Dan wasn’t even thinking any coherent thoughts anymore, and he could feel himself getting close to finishing. Even though Dan didn’t say anything, Phil could tell that Dan was getting close by the way he squeezed his eyes shut and his toes curled. Phil was close as well, but he didn’t say anything either.

With one last thrust to his prostate, Dan came, babbling mindlessly, “Ah!” and “Phil!” and “Fuck!” He clenched around Phil as he orgasmed, and that was enough to bring Phil to the edge as well. He continued to fuck Dan through his orgasm, and came himself just as Dan had come down from his high.

After Phil had finished, he pulled out of Dan slowly and threw his condom in the garbage can next to his bed. Dan crawled under Phil’s duvet, and Phil crawled in next to him. Dan looked at Phil and grabbed his hand under the covers. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“You don’t need to thank me, Dan,” Phil told him.

“Well, still. I’m really thankful for you, and I wanted to tell you,” Dan replied. He cuddled up against Phil and rested his head on his chest.

“I’m thankful for you, too,” Phil said with a smile. He hesitated before saying, “Did you mean it when you told me that you loved me?”

Dan looked up at Phil. He didn’t remember saying that, but he did actually love Phil, so he answered, “Yeah, I did.”

Phil brushed his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand. “I love you, too.” Dan smiled at that, but didn’t say anything in return.

The two stayed silent for a while, not feeling the need to say anything. They were content with lying next to each other and enjoying each other’s warmth and company. Phil noticed that Dan had fallen asleep, so he kissed his forehead and turned off the lamp on his bedside table and engulfed the room in darkness, deciding to go to sleep as well.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's film festival finally rolls around!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo i know that these chapter summaries fucking suck, but i'm terrible at writing summaries because i don't want to spoil the entire chapter, so i beg you to cut me some slack

The ideal morning for Dan would be waking up slowly to sunlight filtering through the blinds of Phil’s bedroom with Dan wrapped up in Phil’s arms in a comfy king-sized bed with soft cotton sheets and a big fluffy duvet. Phil would wake up as Dan did and they would kiss each other good morning and lay next to each other for as long as they wanted. Unfortunately for Dan, that was nearly the opposite of what happened.

Dan woke up to a jarring alarm coming from Phil’s phone while lying on the edge of Phil’s kind of uncomfortable full-sized bed. Phil was stretched across the majority of the bed, leaving Dan a suitable amount of space for a newborn baby. Instead of turning off his alarm, Phil only rolled over and groaned, not even opening his eyes. Dan huffed and curled the pillow over his head to cover his ears and kicked Phil to wake him up.

“I wanna slee-ep,” Phil whined. When he didn’t move to turn off the alarm, Dan kicked him even harder. “Jeez, don’t kick me so hard, how about? It hurts.” Phil finally rolled over to face his bedside table and picked up his phone and stopped the alarm.

Dan scoffed, “You kicked me at least five times last night, and I’m fairly sure I have multiple bruises down both of my legs.” He continued lying on his stomach with the pillow curled over his head as he spoke. “Not to mention you hogged the entire bed and the covers.”

“Sorry,” Phil said,” I’m not used to sleeping with another person,” He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He decided that he should probably get out of bed, and normally he would have ignored such a thought and gone back to bed, but as he thought about the eventful day he had before him, he rolled out of bed and pulled on some underwear before heading to the bathroom for a shower.

Dan began to get ready as soon as Phil was finished showering, but since Phil only really had to get dressed by now, he had a lot of time on his hands. He wandered into the kitchen and rifled through his refrigerator, looking for something to make for breakfast. He didn’t have all that much, though, and he wasn’t a very good cook anyways, so he settled for cereal. He was going to make a bowl for Dan as well, but it would probably be soggy by the time Dan was ready to eat it, so he just left a bowl, the carton of milk, and the cereal box out on the counter for when Dan wanted it.

Phil was sitting on the sofa and just finishing his cereal when Dan came out into the living room with curly wet hair. “There’s cereal on the counter for you,” Phil told him. Dan nodded and padded into the kitchen.

He emerged approximately a minute and a half later and sat next to Phil on the couch. “What time to we have to be at Central Park?” Dan asked, spooning cereal into his mouth.

Phil checked the clock on his phone, which read 9:30. “The doors opened at nine o’clock, and I’m due to present my portfolio at 12:15,” Phil explained. “I have to set up my presentation before noon, though, because that’s when judging for Photography begins, and I want to watch some of the other categories before mine, so we should probably leave as soon as we can.” He looked over to Dan, who was still eating his cereal, and smiled at the milk dribbling down his chin.

Dan swallowed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Do you think you’re going to win?”

Phil rolled his eyes and said, “That’s about the worst question you could’ve asked me. How should I know when I don’t even know who I’m competing against?” Dan shrugged and shovelled more cereal into his mouth. “I’m pretty confident with my work, though, so I think I’ve got a shot. I’m really glad you were able to get today off of work, Dan. Even if I lose, today will still be a win because I got to spend the whole day with you.” Phil told Dan that he was confident, but he really wasn’t. He was proud of his work, and he thought that it was really good, but there would probably be people there with something better.

Dan let out a cheesy ‘awwwwww’. “Also, I technically didn’t get today off of work. I actually quit last week because my boss told me that I couldn’t have today off and if I was late again I’d be fired. I figured that I’d rather have the history of quitting a job on my record than being fired, so I quit,” he announced. He had actually meant to tell Phil sooner, but it never came up naturally, and it didn’t seem like a big enough thing to bring up on its own, so he just kept it to himself.

Phil knew that Dan already didn’t like his job, and he felt kind of honoured to be chosen over Dan’s job, so he simply nodded and agreed with Dan.

One Dan had finished his cereal, Phil packed his laptop, camera, and folder into a backpack and the pair headed out of Phil’s apartment. It was a bright and sunny day, and Phil had to run back inside to fetch a bottle of sunscreen. Dan only shook his head and laughed as he waited for Phil outside of the apartment building.

Phil finally returned with sunscreen in his bag, and he and Dan began their walk uptown. They held hands as they walked, chattering away about the day before them the whole way to the park.

When they arrived at Central Park, Phil had to sign in as a contestant and got in for free, but Dan had to pay to get in. Phil thought they would just let him in for free if he was with Phil, but seeing as that wasn’t the case, Phil paid for Dan’s entry.

“You didn’t need to do that,” Dan said to Phil once they were both in.

“Yeah I did, because I didn’t tell you that you would have to pay to get in,” Phil countered. “Besides, now that you’re unemployed you should be eager to accept any money that you’re offered.”

“Hey!” Dan laughed, shoving Phil’s arm. Phil chuckled as well and shoved Dan playfully in return.

They settled down quickly and wandered slowly through the rows of tables and tents, looking at all of the art displays that had already been set up and were currently being judged. Even though it was a film festival, Film was only one of the categories that was being displayed at the event, and it was the last to be judged.

Dan and Phil had plenty of time to kill so they took their time viewing the many displays of paintings, drawings, and sculptures that were set out since Art came before the Photography section. Having arrived at the park at 10, they walked around for an hour and a half before ending at Phil’s booth. Phil’s booth consisted of a folding table with two lawn chairs sat behind it and a canvas behind the table and chairs that would house the hard photos in his portfolio. There was a sheet thrown over the canvas so that his photos wouldn’t be seen prematurely.

Phil took his laptop out of his backpack and pulled up his portfolio, forcing Dan to turn away so he didn’t accidentally see it before he was supposed to. Phil didn’t want Dan to see his pictures until his presentation, and this ticked Dan off slightly, but he supposed that it would be worth the wait to see everything in its final form.

Phil had already arranged the hard copy of his portfolio and brought it to the park the day previous, so he had about 15 minutes to spare before noon, when he had to be at the stage with his laptop to present.

“Are you nervous?” Dan asked from one of the lawn chairs. He had gone off to get a lemonade a few minutes prior, and he took a sip from the too-short straw that protruded from a hole in the lid.

Phil shrugged and sat in the lawn chair adjacent to Dan. He was very confident in his work, but all of the people around him seemed so talented and professional, and Phil felt merely average in comparison. He stole Dan’s lemonade and took a sip from it. Dan made a ‘tsk’ noise and furrowed his eyebrows and swiped his cup back.

“I’d really like to tell you that your portfolio is fabulous and that you’re bound to win, but I haven’t actually seen your portfolio yet, so I guess I can’t say that, but I know how hard you’ve been working, and you can’t put as much effort as you’ve been putting into your work and do poorly, so I’m confident that you’re going to do well,” Dan admitted. He grabbed Phil’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

Phil looked at Dan and smiled. “Thank you,” he said. He squeezed Dan’s hand in reciprocation.

“You’re welcome,” Dan whispered. He leaned in closer to Phil and kissed him sweetly. “I love you.”

Phil grinned even wider. “I love you, too.” Phil was about to say something to Dan, but suddenly the intercom projected a crackly voice which announced that all contestants in the Photography category were to make their way over to the stage.

Dan pulled Phil out of his chair and dragged him over to the stage area. Phil had just barely had time to snatch his laptop off of the folding table at his booth at the rate that Dan was tugging him along. They weaved through the crowd towards the stage area, and when they made it Dan gave Phil a kiss on the cheek and disappeared into the sea of people standing before the stage.

Phil walked behind the stage and over to the volunteer who was helping everyone get in line according to when they were scheduled to present. Phil was presenting third out of twenty-five people, so he was near the front of the line. Everyone was very quiet, and when Phil said hello to the person in front of him, she gave him a weird look and turned to face away from him.

The person managing the intercom announced that judging for the Photography category would begin in five minutes, and that whoever wanted to watch should make their way over to the main stage.

The final competitor got in line a few minutes before the judging was due to start, and since nobody was speaking to each other, Phil had to listen to all of the anxious thoughts bouncing around in his mind. He wasn’t able to see the front of the stage from him position, so he wouldn’t be able to see the presentations he would be competing against until after the winner was determined.

Phil had heard that there were lots of talent scouts and possible employers in the audience, which only served to make him more nervous. Phil signed up for the festival in hopes of getting discovered, but if he did poorly then it may make it harder for him to get a job in photography because he would already be off to a bad start. Thoughts like this kept ratting through Phil’s head as the first person in line walked on stage and gave their presentation.

Once the person in front of him had left to go onstage, however, Phil pushed all negative thoughts out of his mind in favour of running through his presentation. He had to go through his entire portfolio and explain his theme and inspiration, and he had spent hours writing and memorising his speech. He could recite it without even thinking, but he had to go over it once more to settle his nerves.

When the second presentation finished, there was a minute break for the judges to write down any notes they had, and then it was Phil’s turn to go onstage. A volunteer clipped a microphone to his shirt collar and handed him a cord to plug into his laptop to get his portfolio to show up on the screen behind the stage, and he walked onstage.

Once he was stood on the stage, he spotted Dan right in the front of the crowd almost instantly. He grinned widely and gave Phil a thumbs up.

“Hi,” Phil said loudly, making sure the mic picked up his voice clearly, “I’m Phil Lester, and I’m a senior at NYU.” He introduced himself just as he had heard the previous two contenders do.

“My best friend is a ballerina, and he’s been practicing for an audition for the past year. I’ve only known him for about a month and a half, but over that month and a half I’ve seen ambition like I’ve never seen it before. He’s been working strenuously, writing and practicing and rewriting, and he does it nearly every single day. Before I met him, I thought I knew what dedication and hard work looked like, but I didn’t really until I met him and watched him dance,” Phil admitted.

He looked to Dan in the audience, who was bewildered as to why Phil was talking about him during his presentation. Dan was slightly embarrassed to be spoken of so highly in front of so many people, and even more so because he felt like he was stealing Phil’s spotlight.

Phil smiled at Dan and continued, “My best friend, Dan Howell, has inspired me like nobody had before, and he’s shown me what it means to be ambitious, so he is the focal point of my portfolio, which I’ve titled, “Devotion”.” Phil plugged in his laptop and his portfolio showed up on the screen behind him. He smiled at Dan once again, who looked beyond shocked. As he gazed at Phil’s portfolio, tears began to well up in his eyes.

“When I met Dan, I was wandering around the city at night trying to find inspiration for my portfolio for this film festival,” Phil explained, walking up to the screen. “When I saw Dan, he didn’t see me. He was in his own world, reciting his dance for who he thought was only himself. I had to capture the moment. He looked focused and determined, but also at peace. This is the picture I took,” Phil pointed to a picture of Dan in the midst of a piqué. When Phil looked to Dan, there were tears running down Dan’s face.

Phil went through his portfolio and explained each picture. There was a picture of Dan standing on the tips of his toes without his ballet shoes and his bruised feet on display, and Dan dancing on Broadway for the first time, Dan doing a pirouette, Dan crying on the floor during one of his breakdowns, Dan beaming at Phil while he was stretching, and finally Dan doing a leap with his eyes closed and a serene look on his face.

“Dan and his story are dedication in its purest form. Dan not only touched my heart, but cracked it wide open, and I hope that by viewing my presentation he did the same to you.” Phil smiled and unplugged his laptop, signalling the end of his presentation. Deafening applause thundered throughout the park as Phil walked off the stage, and Phil couldn’t keep the grin off his face.

He handed the cord and microphone back to the volunteer behind the stage and walked over to sit down under the tent that was designated for contestants that were awaiting the awards ceremony. Phil was relieved to be finished with his presentation, and he wished that Dan were allowed backstage to see him.

Phil played games on his phone sat and waited for everyone to finish. People slowly trickled in, but still nobody spoke to one another. It took nearly two hours for everyone to finish, and Phil’s phone battery was severely suffering. A volunteer came into the tent and announced that it was time to line up onstage for the awards ceremony. Everyone in the tent rushed to get onstage, and Phil was the last one to exit as he didn’t want to deal with all of the commotion of anxious twenty-somethings racing to be the first person in line.

Once all of the competitors were onstage, one of the judges stood up and gave a speech about how much they appreciated everyone who participated and even if you didn’t win you should still be proud of yourself. Phil mostly zoned out during the speech and tried to find Dan in the crowd as he wasn’t in his previous spot.

When a different judge started speaking, however, Phil paid attention, because she was announcing the placement. “In third place we have Golden by Julia Spalding,” the judge declared. A girl with short brown hair, presumably Julia Spalding, was given a green ribbon.

The judge announced second place, who was not Phil. Phil was now worried, because he doubted that he was going to win first prize. Out of twenty-five people, there was no way that Phil would be victorious.

“Our first place winner,” the judge projected, “who will receive a cash prize of $5,000 is Devotion by Phil Lester!”

Phil was shocked, to say the least. He genuinely didn’t think that he would actually win even though he may have acted like he did. The judge put down her microphone and walked across the stage to hand Phil a blue ribbon and a check. She shook Phil’s hand and told him congratulations.

Everyone left the stage to go back to their booths, and Phil was the last one off. When he reached backstage, he was hit with a force that literally knocked him over and his vision was dark. Phil’s first thought was, “I got hit by a truck and I’m dying,” but then he smelled what he could only describe as ‘Dan’. Dan was beginning to suffocate him, though, so he tapped Dan’s lower back to get him to sit up.

When Dan sat up his eyes were red and his skin was blotchy. “I’m so proud of you,” Dan whispered. Phil was still lying flat on his back and Dan was sitting on his stomach. “I swear that I’m gonna marry you someday, Phil Lester. I’m not sure when, but I’m going to make sure that it happens if my life depends on it.”

Phil only smiled and replied, “That’s fine by me.”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's audition for Juilliard arrives and a quarrel breaks out afterwards.

Two weeks later found Dan and Phil in an empty hallway with several doors, one of them leading to the Peter J. Sharp Theatre at Juilliard. They were inside the school since Dan wanted to look around a bit before his audition. He had hoped that touring the school would help to calm his nerves, but it only heightened his anxiety because it was such a nice campus and Dan knew that he would never be able to afford to go to school here unless he got a huge scholarship, which was highly unlikely. It was also highly unlikely that Dan would even be accepted into the school, much less get a scholarship, because the acceptance rate was around 6%.

It was 10:55, five minutes before Dan’s audition was scheduled to begin. Dan was pacing the hallway and running over his routine in his head for the millionth time that morning while Phil sat on the carpeted floor in front of him. Phil had been trying to keep Dan calm all morning, but he had given up eventually because nothing he said or did helped Dan to feel more confident in himself.

Suddenly, Dan stopped pacing and sat down in front of Phil and stared at into his eyes. Phil stared back, and Dan’s eyes began to well with tears. “I can’t do this, Phil,” Dan whispered, his lip quivering.

Phil reached out and stroked his hands up and down Dan’s upper arms soothingly and said, “Yes you can, Dan. You’re a wonderful dancer. Just go in there and dance like you always do. You’ve practiced this routine so many times I don’t think you could mess up even if you tried.”

Dan snorted and smiled, Phil’s eyes and words drawing the tears back into his body. “I hope you’re right,” Dan replied.

The door to the theatre opened and the two boys jumped. “Are one of you two Daniel Howell?” an old woman asked from inside the open door. She was wearing thin black glasses with a beaded chain connected to the ends of either arm that loops around the back of her neck.

Dan stood up and nodded, following her into the theatre. He looked back at Phil as he closed the door, and Phil smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

The door opened up to the wing of the stage, and the woman introduced herself as Amber Lowes and told Dan to stand out at centre stage as she walked out into the audience to sit in the second row of seats with the four other people who would be judging his performance. Dan did as he was told and plugged his phone into the aux cord that was lying on the edge of the stage and was connected to a speaker.

“You may begin whenever you’re ready, Daniel,” the woman announced from her seat, a clipboard and pen in her hands. Dan nodded and took a deep breath, thinking back to Phil’s words moments earlier to give him confidence.

Dan pressed play on Suite Bergamasque: III and used the few seconds prior to the music’s beginning to get into position.

Dan’s mind went to autopilot during his dance, muscle memory telling his brain exactly what to do and Dan didn’t realise that he had closed his eyes until he was finished with his dance and the world around him was dark. Dan opened his eyes to see his judges whispering amongst themselves and fervently scribbling on their clipboards.

One of the judges looked up as Dan moved out of position, signalling that he was completely finished. This judge was a man who had long, unruly hair and monolidded eyes and looked to be in his early forties, though Dan couldn’t pinpoint his age exactly. “Very nice, Daniel, very nice indeed,” he praised, smiling at Dan. Dan’s chest swelled with pride.

“Are you by chance the boy who was the subject of the photoset that won ‘Best in Photography’ at the Central Park Film Festival?” yet another one of the judges asked.

Dan blushed. “Uh, yeah, I am,” Dan answered dumbly. He was absolutely bewildered that one of the judges recognised him from Phil’s photography. He knew that the film festival Phil had competed at was big, but he didn’t know it was big enough to be recognised at Juilliard.

“Oh, that young man who won was so talented! I only wish he had attended Juilliard so we could take partial credit!” The woman with the glasses remarked with a laugh, her colleagues joining in her laughter.

Dan didn’t know how to reply to that, so he simply stood onstage awkwardly as the judges continued to chatter amongst themselves. Dan hoped they were saying good things about him.

After several minutes of Dan standing uncomfortably onstage, the judges seemed to be finished talking and they all faced him. The woman with the glasses was the one who finally spoke, “Well, Daniel, you put on a marvellous performance. We’ve all seen the photo series that displayed the hard work that you’ve put into this routine, and it has most definitely paid off. You should be very proud of yourself.” She smiled and continued, “We need students here at Juilliard who will put their blood, sweat, and tears into their education, and we have seen that you are willing to do just that to achieve excellence. We think you’ll fit in very well at Juilliard, Daniel, and though we are not allowed to tell you just yet that you have been accepted for certain, you can expect a phone call within the next few days to let you know that you have been accepted. If for some reason you are not chosen to attend Juilliard in the coming school year, you will still receive a phone call telling you so. I firmly believe that you won’t have to worry about not being accepted, though. Have a good day, Daniel Howell, and we hope to see you back this fall for your lessons.”

Dan smiled stiffly and unplugged his phone before swiftly leaving the theatre. Dan had been so proud of himself for how well he performed, but now he felt sick to his stomach. After the woman’s short speech about Dan’s likelihood of being accepted into Juilliard, Dan felt like he was being accepted more due to Phil’s photos than his own work. Dan shoved open the door to the hallway and began walking towards the front door, completely ignoring Phil, who was sitting by the door and anxiously awaiting Dan’s exit.

Phil furrowed his brow and jumped to his feet to run after Dan, who was still powerwalking down the hall. “Dan, wait,” Phil called after him. Dan ignored him and kept his gaze straight ahead. The more he thought about what the woman had said about Phil’s photo series the angrier at Phil he got. Of course, Phil got all the glory for his photo series and Dan’s performance that he had worked on for almost a year was swept under the rug.

“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil grabbed onto Dan’s arm, and Dan tried to pull away, but failed. “Dan, talk to me,” Phil pleaded. Though he couldn’t go anywhere, Dan was still turned away from Phil and refused to look at him. “Hey, if your audition didn’t go well, there are other great art schools in New York that you can look into.”

Dan whirled around suddenly and looked Phil in the eyes. “My audition went great. They told me that I’m almost sure to be accepted,” Dan told Phil.

Phil looked taken aback. He never doubted Dan’s ability, but from the way that Dan had been acting it seemed as though he hadn’t done well. “That’s great, Dan! Why are you angry?”

Dan finally broke his arm from Phil’s grip and poked Phil in the chest. “You’re why I’m angry, Phil,” Dan declared. Phil looked confused and hurt, so Dan elaborated. “I gave the best performance of my life and all that the judges cared about was the fact that I was the subject in your photo series that won Best in Photography at the Central Park Film Festival! They went on and on about how amazing your photos were and how well they displayed dedication and hard work, and that’s very true, but it was my audition and they hardly even talked about how good my dance was! I’ve spent so long writing and practicing for this day, and all the good things the judges had to say were about your photo series!”

Phil’s brows were furrowed even further now, and he was beyond confused. Dan’s judges saw his photo series? Phil hadn’t anticipated his photos getting so well-known. “I-I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil stammered, not knowing how to react to Dan’s words. He hadn’t wanted to steal Dan’s spotlight, and he knew that Dan deserved an infinite amount of praise for his skill and talent. He didn’t know how to tell Dan that in the moment, however, and Dan continued to rage at him.

“You and your stupid photo series! I wish you had picked another subject, Phil. If you really were a good photographer then you would have picked your own topic and not relied on my hard work to get to the top,” Dan spit. Dan didn’t mean what he was saying anymore, but he had to get his anger out somehow.

At this Phil started to become angry. “Alright, Dan, I understood why you were frustrated before, but now you’re being ridiculous. You know that I appreciate your talent and skill more than anyone, and I only used you as my subject to show the world just how incredible you are,” Phil argued.

“Oh whatever! You say that, but I see through you, Phil, You’re greedy and lacking in talent, so you use others to climb your way to the top and disguise it as appreciation. You’re pathetic, Phil Lester!” Dan shouted, his words cutting Phil in a way that words had never cut him before. Hearing such a thing coming from the person he loved hurt him more than he had ever imagined possible, and he wanted to curl into a ball and cry. He didn’t, though, because while he was hurt, he was also angry.

“That’s not what you said at my presentation. What happened to, ‘I’m gonna marry you someday, even if my life depends on it’?” Phil retorted. Phil saw regret flash across Dan’s face for a moment, but it was quickly replaced with anger once again. Dan didn’t know what to say to that, because it was true, so he simply shook his head and stormed off down the street, hailed a taxi, and drove away, leaving Phil on the nearly empty sidewalk in the warm sunshine of early May.

Phil watched as the taxi drove away, already regretting the harsh things that he had said to Dan. His words weren’t as harsh as Dan’s were, but he shouldn’t have argued. He should have let Dan expel his anger and instil confidence into Dan about his own ability. Dan truly was an amazingly skilled and talented dancer and he deserved every ounce of credit there was to give.

Phil knew that he knew that Dan was talented, but he began to wonder whether he really was a good photographer or if Dan was right. Phil hadn’t intended to use Dan’s dedication and hard work to win the photography contest, but maybe he really had.

It was a nice day and Phil felt as though he needed fresh air, so he walked back to his dorm despite Juilliard being across town from NYU. He used the time to think about the past couple months that he had spent with Dan and how happy he had been since they met. He hoped that Dan was just as happy as he was and that Dan wasn’t actually hurt by Phil’s photos. After thinking about it more, Phil was sure that his intentions were to give Dan recognition for his hard work and talent and not to use him to win. Dan was just angry and overreacting and hopefully soon Dan would calm down and realise Phil’s true intentions. Hopefully.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tbh i don't wanna spoil the chapter so i'm not gonna write a summary lmao

It had been four days since Dan’s audition and Dan had still not said a word to Phil since their argument. Phil had left Dan alone for almost two days before finally calling him, but Dan let it go to voicemail. Phil then texted Dan that he was sorry and to call him once he was ready to talk. Dan was not ready to talk just yet.

Dan had had a lot of time to think over the past four days since he quit his job weeks ago and no longer needed to practice and make adjustments to his routine. Dan had gone to his studio to try to distract himself by dancing, but it only resulted in making Dan think about Phil even more, and instead of analysing his feelings, Dan simply let his anger fester inside of his body.

Dan was the type of person who preferred to let his conflicts simmer and his emotions swim angrily inside of his mind until everything eventually fizzled out on its own. Dan had plugged his phone into his speaker and had turned the volume all the way up on the playlist of angry-toned classical music that he had made. Classical music always connected well with Dan when he was feeling angry, and sometimes it helped him get into the creative spirit to write a new dance routine.

Dan was lost in his own world of classical music and scribbling random squiggles and lines on paper with a red marker, so when his phone rang he didn’t realise that his ringtone wasn’t part of the music and that someone was calling him until the fourth ring. Dan scrambled off his bed and over to his speaker across the room, ripping the aux cord out of his phone. He caught a glimpse of the Caller ID before he answered and was relieved to see that it wasn’t Phil. “Hello?” Dan said into his phone.

“Hello, this is Jeanine Perkins from the Juilliard School. Is Mr. Daniel Howell available?” a deep female voice reverberated from the speaker and Dan’s heart leapt into his throat. Dan knew that he was probably about to be told that he had been accepted, but the chance of rejection fluttered around Dan’s mind. All feelings of anger had been pushed aside and were replaced with anxiety and anticipation.

“Yes, this is he,” Dan replied, trying to convey more confidence than what he was actually feeling.

“Great,” Jeanine said. “Well, Daniel, I’m very pleased to inform you that our acceptance committee here at Juilliard has evaluated your application and your audition, and we invite you to join us here this fall as a student.”

A wide grin erupted across Dan’s face. “Thank you so much!” he exclaimed. He opened his mouth to say more, but found himself at a loss for words. What do you say when you’ve been accepted into one of the most prestigious schools in the country besides thank you?

Jeanine continued, “After reviewing your application and watching your audition, I feel very confident that you’ll fit in nicely at Juilliard. The routine you performed at your audition was truly outstanding, and the fact that you composed it yourself only adds to the excellence of your performance. It is quite obvious that you have put much effort into dance and I must say that it has paid off very well. Your devotion and passion for dance will be greatly appreciated at Juilliard if you choose to attend this fall. You will receive a formal letter of acceptance in the mail soon and we will be awaiting your response. Thank you, Daniel.”

Dan was about to thank Jeanine once again, but she hung up the phone before Dan could speak. Dan slid his phone into his pocket and stared at his bedroom floor in shock. He had actually been accepted into Juilliard. Before Dan let himself get too excited, though, he remembered that he had mentioned wanting a scholarship in his application, but Jeanine hadn’t mentioned anything about a scholarship in her phone call. Dan’s heart sank. It wouldn’t matter whether or not he was accepted if he didn’t get a decent scholarship because there was no way Dan would be able to afford to attend the school without one.

Maybe the acceptance letter will say something about scholarships, Dan thought. Maybe Jeanine had just forgotten to talk about it when she called him. Dan sat down on his bed once again and went over the phone call in his head, once, twice, three times, making sure he remembered every detail. This was one of the biggest milestones Dan had reached in his life, and he wanted to make sure he didn’t forget it.

After going over the phone call as many times as he did, Dan realised that Jeanine didn’t say a single word about Phil or his photo series. This realisation then lead Dan to make another realisation about how Phil actually had nothing to do with the fact that Dan had been accepted and that Dan was just a really big dick to Phil for no reason at all. Dan’s assumption about Phil being part of the reason that he was accepted wasn’t completely unjustified given what the judges had said during his audition, but what wasn’t justified at all were the harsh words that Dan had used to personally attack Phil and his photography skills.

Dan let out a deep sigh and slumped over onto his mattress. He knew that he now needed to apologize to Phil and admit that he was wrong, which he really should have done a few days ago, but Dan was stubborn and prideful and apologizing and admitting his mistakes was something that he wasn’t very good at. Sometimes Dan’s attempts at apologies ended up making situations worse, but he cared about Phil too much to not try to make things right. He hoped Phil still knew that Dan cared about him.

Dan began to slide his phone out of his pocket to call Phil, but he paused and contemplated going to Phil’s dorm to apologise instead. Phil had asked Dan to call him, but Dan wanted to make sure that Phil knew his apology was sincere, so he put his phone back into his pocket, stood up from his place on the bed, and walked outside of his flat to hail a taxi to NYU.

***

Dan made it to the campus of NYU within five minutes of leaving his flat, but once he was there he discovered that he didn’t have the slightest clue of where Phil’s dorm was. He had been there a few times, but Phil had been with him each time to guide him in the right direction, so Dan didn’t pay enough attention to where he was going to be able to remember the way.

As Dan wandered around the expansive campus, he looked around at all of the dorm buildings, but none of them seemed familiar.

Dan eventually gave up and sat down underneath a big tree and pulled out his phone to call Phil and explain his situation.

His and Phil’s phone call was very short and ended with Phil saying that he would come outside and find Dan rather than Dan running all over the place in attempt to find Phil’s dorm on an unfamiliar campus. Dan waited for Phil and tried to plan out what he would say. Once Phil approached Dan’s resting place, though, the plan Dan had made grew legs and ran out of his mind. Dan found himself with an empty mind and an awaiting boyfriend and decided that he was screwed.

Phil sat down in front of Dan and waited for him to say something. Fuck it, Dan thought, and began to speak. “You’re not pathetic and you’re not greedy or lacking in talent,” Dan began, mentally face-palming himself immediately after the words left his mouth. Phil raised his eyebrows. “Uh, what I meant to say is that I’m sorry,” Dan recovered, swallowing his pride, “and that I was wrong.”

Phil could see Dan struggling to admit his wrongdoing and found it hard to keep a straight face. He knew that Dan was being sincere, but it was kind of funny to watch someone as stubborn as Dan struggle with something that seemed so simple to Phil such as apologising.

At seeing Phil’s face of amusement, Dan quickly became hurt and confused. Did Phil really think that he wasn’t serious? Dan didn’t come all the way across New York City and wander around the campus of NYU for Phil to laugh in his face at his apology. “Why are you laughing? I’m serious,” Dan said solemnly.

Phil nodded and fought his smile back as he explained, “I know you’re being serious, and I appreciate your apology so much. It’s just bewildering to me that it’s so hard for you to apologise.” Not wanting to make Dan feel bad, Phil added, “I know that your personality is stubborn, though, and I’m totally okay with that. I’m just kind of savouring the moment because I know that it’s not very often that I’ll hear an apology from you.”

Dan rolled his eyes but founding himself smiling. He shoved Phil’s shoulder playfully and mumbled, “Shut up.” After pausing for a moment while both boys got their giggles out, Dan continued with his apology. “I really am sorry, though, Phil. What I said to you was unjustified and hurtful and not true at all. You really are an amazing photographer and you deserved the award that you won completely. I’m really proud of you and I hope that you’ll forgive me.”

“Of course I forgive you, Dan. There is absolutely nothing that you could say to me that would make me not want to forgive you,” Phil promised. He held out his hand for Dan to take, and Dan took his hand and smiled as Phil squeezed it in reassurance that he was going nowhere.

“I love you,” Dan whispered.

“I love you too,” Phil whispered back.

The two stood up together, their hands still conjoined, and strolled around campus for a while as the sun began to set, casting shades of pink, orange, yellow, and purple into the sky and the few fluffy clouds scattered throughout it. They didn’t say anything during their walk, staying encased in a comfortable silence and enjoying the company of one another.

Once the sun had dipped below the horizon and there were only minutes of daylight left, Phil accompanied Dan on the curb as he waited for a taxi to arrive to bring him back to his apartment.

A taxi pulled up to the curb within seconds and Dan turned to give Phil a gentle kiss before opening the door of the taxi.

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil said, holding the door open for Dan as he entered the taxi.

“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan replied with a grin. Phil gently closed Dan’s door and watched the taxi drive uptown until the sky was dark and the taxi was out of sight.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue

Epilogue

“Stop it!” Dan squawked as Phil threw another french fry at him. “I don’t want to have to clean these up later.”

Phil rolled his eyes and pelted Dan with one more fry. “It’s not that big of a deal, you big baby,” he argued playfully.

Dan narrowed his eyes and shook his head at his boyfriend, trying to look threatening but not being able to keep a grin off his face.

It was a warm evening in late June, and Dan and Phil were sat atop the roof of their apartment building where Phil had set up a makeshift dining area, consisting of a cardboard box with a sheet thrown over it to be used as a table and mismatched lawn chairs to sit on. Dan had just performed his final show of his world ballet tour at the Broadway Theatre, and Phil had picked up some McDonalds and brought it up to the roof for the two to celebrate.

Their laughter had died down and Phil gazed at Dan in the soft light glowing from the candle that was placed on the centre of the cardboard box. The light flattered his tanned complexion and the lights of New York City twinkled behind him. Phil made a mental note to take a picture of him in this setting before they retreated back to their apartment.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Dan inquired softly, cocking his head and somehow managing to look even cute than he had moments before.

“What, am I not allowed to admire my boyfriend?” Phil teased.

Dan raised his eyebrows and smirked to hide the fact that he was actually flattered by Phil’s remark. “You look more thoughtful than usual, that’s all. What’s on your mind?”

Phil took in a breath and smiled before saying, “Do you remember all those years ago when we first met and I brought you to perform on the street right in front of Broadway Theatre?” Dan giggled and nodded, thinking back to the day that Phil was referring to. “It’s just kind of crazy how you went from being so shy and insecure to who you are now, and how you used to dance on the sidewalk in front of Broadway Theatre, but tonight you danced on the stage of Broadway Theatre.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is pretty crazy,” Dan agreed. He thought back to the many nights that he and Phil spent in that old studio building that Dan had found when he moved to New York. Back to when Phil would take him out to dance on the street so that he could practice in front of people, and how much Dan hated it at first, but grew to love it because it was time that was spent with Phil, and any time that was spent with Phil was well spent. Back to sitting in Phil’s bare university dorm and watching movies in the dark snuggled up underneath a blanket. They really had come a long way.

“I’m so proud of you, Dan,” Phil whispered. “You’ve become such a wonderful performer, as well as an extraordinary person in general, and I’m so glad that I have the privilege to be a part of your life.”

Dan smiled and looked down at the makeshift tablecloth and then up at Phil sheepishly through his eyelashes, mumbling a thank-you. Dan always got flustered by Phil’s heartfelt comments even after being with him for six years.

“Oh, I completely forgot!” Phil blurted suddenly, the quiet mood diminishing. He leaned over in his chair and reached into the paper bag that he had brought up to the rooftop. He pulled out a bottle of red wine and set it on the box with a grin. “I forgot glasses, though, so we’ll just have to drink it out of the bottle.”

Dan smiled widely and took the bottle. He looked around for a tool to pop the cork with and settled on a plastic knife. It took him several tries to jab the plastic into the cork, but on his third attempt he managed to drive the knife in. He looked up at Phil, who was giggling profusely, as he twisted the cork several times and finally wrenched it out of the bottle with a loud pop!

After discarding the plastic knife and cork on the ‘table’, Dan brought the bottle of wine to his lips. Some wine dribbled down his chin, but Phil leaned over and wiped it off before it could drip down onto his shirt.

“You’re a life saver, Phil,” Dan said once he had set the bottle down. “Red wine is a nightmare to get out, and this is my favourite shirt.”

Phil chuckled, “I know it’s a nightmare to get out, and I’d be the one spot-treating it since you never do the laundry.”

Dan opened his mouth to argue, but realised that Phil was right. He pointed across the table at Phil and said, “You got me there.”

They shared yet another smile and gazed at each other from across the cardboard box. Soon, though, Phil became restless and stood up. He walked over to the edge of the rooftop, a brick wall that rose up to his mid-chest guarding him from falling off. Dan stood up as well and followed him over to the ledge, and they both leaned on the top of the wall and looked out at the lights of the city that never sleeps.

“You know, I can only think of one thing that’s more beautiful than this view,” Phil declared, keeping his gaze out at the city.

Knowing where Phil was going with this statement, Dan replied, “What?”

Phil turned and looked at Dan and said, “This view.”

Dan grinned and ‘awwww’ed. “You’re so cheesy, Phil,” he announced, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck.

“Yeah, but you love me,” Phil agreed, turning so that his back was leaning against the brick wall and his feet were on either side of Dan’s.

Dan let his forehead rest against Phil’s and closed his eyes. “Yeah, I do.”

Phil leaned his head forward ever so slightly to catch Dan’s lips in a short kiss, closing his eyes as well. Dan let the weight of the rest of his body fall to lean against Phil’s and snuggled his face into the side of Phil’s neck.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and smiled softly, enjoying the quiet intimacy of the moment. As he was leaned against the brick wall, he could feel a small bump in his back pocket pressing into him, and his heart rate spiked.

He unlooped his arms from around Dan’s waist, and Dan pulled away as well. Dan was confused and kind of disappointed that Phil pulled away from their hug because he was enjoying it quite a lot. He gave Phil a questioning look, but Phil simply gave him a small smile and took his hand.

“I tried to think of a really sweet and kinda cheesy speech to give you, but I ended up deciding that it wasn’t necessary because everything that I could think of to say has already been said at some point in the six years that we’ve been together, so I’m just going to get right to the point,” Phil explained nervously before reaching into his back pocket and sinking down to a knee before his boyfriend.

“Phil Lester, I swear to god that if you ask me to marry you, I’m going to push you off of this rooftop,” Dan huffed.

Phil’s face fell immediately. He had been agonising over this evening for weeks, worried that Dan would reject him, and now his greatest fear was coming to life. “W-what?” Phil faltered, hoping that Dan had an explanation for his words.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand and smiled, reassuring him, as he said, “I wanted to be the one to ask you, you buffoon.”

Phil huffed out a sigh of relief and smiled back, countering with, “You snooze, you lose, Babe.” Dan stuck his tongue out in reply.

“So, my dear Daniel Howell,” Phil began, reaching back into the pocket of his jeans to pull out the engagement ring that he had purchased, “will you marry me?”

Dan smiled even wider at hearing the words actually coming from his boyfriend. “Yes, I will marry you, my dear Phil Lester.”

Phil felt tears prickling at his eyes as he slid the engagement ring onto Dan’s ring finger and looked up at Dan as he kissed his knuckles.

Dan pulled Phil up off the ground and into a tight hug. “I told you that I was going to marry you someday,” he whispered.

 

The End!


End file.
